


The Crypto King

by shittystorywriter



Category: South Park
Genre: Couples scuffle, Eric Cartman Being Eric Cartman, M/M, Money making scheme, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-15
Updated: 2018-03-06
Packaged: 2019-03-05 10:33:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13385991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shittystorywriter/pseuds/shittystorywriter
Summary: Cartman's new cryptocurrency investment scheme causes a scuffle between Tweek and Craig.





	1. Chapter 1

_Crinch, cranch, crunch_. Hands stuffed in his coat pockets, Craig listened to the crunching of the ice and snow under his boots, as he quietly walked to Tweak Bros Coffeehouse. He would much rather spend his Saturday with Tweek doing something more exciting than meeting him at his parents' business, but it was another weekend that Tweek was being made to work behind the counter at the coffee shop.

As he approached the shop, he saw his twitchy boyfriend placing a tray of muffins inside the glass storage unit. While opening the door to go inside, Tweek jumped slightly at the sound of the door's bell. He looked up and smiled when he saw Craig entering the shop. Craig gave a small smile back. "Hey, cutie."

"Rggh, hi!" Tweek replied, fumbling with the glass door.

Tweek's parents didn't seem to be around. Craig looked at his apron, which had coffee stain's all over it. His messy hair stuck out in various directions, and there were dark circles under his eyes, most likely caused by his insomnia. But Craig still thought he looked cute, regardless. "So, you wanna go do something today?" he asked, hands idly in pockets as he stood at the counter.

Tweek simply shook his head. "Sorry, I have to stay here till my parents come back."

Craig frowned. "When are they coming back?"

The blonde just shrugged. "Whenever. They went to go get some supplies or something. I have to stay here, in case any customers come in."

"Your parents suck. How about I stay here too and keep you company?" Craig offered.

"Sure." Tweek smiled as he took out a rag to clean the counter.

"Do you need any help?" Craig asked, watching him wipe up the coffee stains and crumbs.

"Nah, I'm good," the twitchy boy sighed.

Craig could sense the unhappiness in Tweek's voice. It was no secret that he hated working at the coffee shop, especially on weekends. Maybe now would be a good time to tell him about this new investment opportunity that Cartman told him about. After all, it seemed like an amazing opportunity that might allow Tweek and himself to make good money. With enough money, they might be able to run away from South Park, giving everyone in this shitty town the middle finger. If all went well, Tweek would never have to sample shitty coffee for his parents again.

"So.." he scratched the back of his head. "I was talking to Cartman earlier-"

"Why??" Tweak twitched. "He's an asshole!"

Craig rolled his eyes. "Just let me finish, _god_!"

Tweek huffed but remained quiet, allowing him to continue.

"Anyway," Craig resumed, "He told me that he's offering opportunities for people under 18 to invest in cryptocurrencies. You know, like bitcoin and stuff. I looked it up, and some people are becoming millionaires from this shit!"

Tweek paused and blinked at Craig. "It's probably a scam!"

Craig sighed. "Look, maybe it's a scam, but everyone who's done it so far has made easy money. Cartman has made like, a couple hundred dollars already, he even showed me his hundred dollar bills!"

Tweek just shook his head. "Why would you trust Cartman with your money??"

"Because you need to be over 18 to buy crypto, and I don't have a bank account. By the time I get one, the price might be up 200%! But Cartman is using an account with his mom's identity, so he can buy it for us, and keep it safe. Then, he gives us the profits whenever we want. Minus a 20% fee for his services."

Tweek laughed sarcastically. "Yeah right, he's gonna take your money and you'll never get it back! God, this is the stupidest idea you've ever had."

Craig furrowed his eyebrows. "It's not stupid! We could become young millionaires! Then you would never have to work in this coffee shop again. We could like, move to a big house with our own pool, with a slide, and adopt a million guinea pigs!"

Tweek rolled his eyes, as he continued wiping the counter top. "I really doubt it."

"I'm serious, this is a better investment than the stock market. I figured if we put all of our birthday money in, plus the money we've gotten for being gay, we're guaranteed to double it in at least a month. Some of these currencies have gone up over 2000% in value in a year, just look!" He pulled his smart phone out, showing Tweek a graph with a large upwards spike. "It's almost too good to be true," Craig argued.

"Usually when something seems too good to be true, it is!" Tweek argued back. "Even if Cartman is being honest, it could crash and we could lose all our money, agghh!"

Craig looked desperate. "So you don't even want to try it?"

Tweek shook his head furiously, twitching now. "No way, man! It's a dumb idea. Remember the last time you gave Cartman and his friends your birthday money??"

"But this time is totally different." 

Tweek stared at him in doubt. "Okay, Craig. Do whatever you want. It's your money to lose."

Craig furrowed his eyebrows. "Fine! I'll just go become a millionaire by myself! You'll wish you had gotten in on it then!"

Tweek tossed the rag down angrily. "You won't become a millionaire, dumbass!"

Craig flipped his middle finger at him. "We'll see about that! When I'm rich and you're still working in your parents coffee shop! And don't ask me for a handout when that happens!"

"Oh, so you're breaking up with me now??" Tweek fumed. "Over a stupid money making scheme??"

"I guess so, since you're being such an unsupportive dick!" Craig yelled.

" _I'm_ not being a dick, _you're_ being a dick!" Tweek threw the dirty rag at him, hitting him smack in the face.

Craig picked the rag up and threw it back at Tweek, hitting him in the head with it. "No, _you_ are! Dick!"

With that, Craig stormed out of the shop, leaving Tweek standing there gritting his teeth.

 

\- To be continued -


	2. Chapter 2

"I am the dawg..the big bad dawwwgg.." Cartman hummed to himself as he strolled through the school hallways confidently. His hair was slicked back with gel, he wore a pair of dark shades, and around his neck was a flashy fake gold necklace with a "bitcoin" symbol charm.

He approached the lockers where Kenny, Stan and Kyle were talking. Kyle took notice of his new look and rolled his eyes.

"Kenny, mah man!" Cartman grinned. "I'm proud to announce that your five dollah investment has now turned into a whopping $8.23, as of..." he whipped out his cellphone. "Right now! Oh, it just went down to $8.16. Oh, wait! It's going back up to $8.22 again!"

"Woohoo!" Kenny jumped in excitement.

"At this rate, you'll be able to buy not two, but three boxes of waffles!" Cartman cheered, high fiving Kenny.

"Hey, fuck you!" Kenny cursed, though it was hardly laced with malice.

Stan and Kyle exchanged dubious glances. "Oh no, you've got poor Kenny involved in your scam too?" Kyle muttered.

Cartman glared at Kyle. "For the last time, it's not a scam! I'm helping people obtain a revolutionary new digital medium of currency-"

"It's not even that revolutionary," Kyle interrupted. "It's just a current craze, like beanie babies in the 90's."

Cartman rolled his eyes. "Just admit it, Kahl. You're just jelly because I made a thousand dollars, and you didn't."

Kyle scowled at him. "Nuh uh! I just think that it's totally stupid! Bitcoin wastes tremendous amounts of electricity, and-"

Cartman plugged his ears, sticking his tongue out at Kyle. "Lalalalala! I can't hear you over the sounds of money I'm making! Mmm, so much money!"

Kyle shoved him in the shoulders. "You're such a materialistic prick!"

Cartman grinned widely at him. "Yes, a materialistic prick who is a thousand dollars richer than you."

Kyle growled. "Good thing that being richer isn't the most important thing I care about."

Cartman smiled smugly and patted Kyle on the shoulders. "Uhuh, keep telling yourself that. You can't deny your Jew blood."

Stan cleared his throat, before a proper fight broke out between the two of them. "Ugh, can you guys stop arguing for once? And Cartman, can you tell me what my portfolio is worth now?"

Cartman pulled his phone out again and scrolled through it. "You're up 22%! Congrats, Stan the Man!"

Stan smiled, while Kyle widened his eyes at his best friend. "Oh no, you too Stan?"

Stan looked guiltily at Kyle and shrugged. "It seemed like an easy way to make some extra money."

Just then, a few more students began to congregate around Cartman, asking him for updates on their "portfolios". Craig hesitantly stood in the circle, watching the commotion.

Butters sifted through the circle of people, wearing dark sunglasses that matched Cartman's pair. He put his hands out, standing in front of Cartman protectively. "Now now fellas, settle down! You will all be able to check your investment statuses later at the end of the day. Just stop by Eric's office at his house, which is located in his basement."

Cartman nodded. "Thank you, Butters. I'll see you all after skewl!" He shot a fake charming grin to the small crowd.

Kyle watched incredulously as the group of people dispersed, muttering among themselves about the latest news in Japan and South Korea.

Cartman turned to Craig, who was still standing along the wall, looking a bit depressed. He threw an arm around his shoulder. "Craig, buddy! How ya doin?"

Craig shrugged. "Not too great. Tweek and I broke up this weekend."

Cartman gasped in exaggerated shock. "Oh my gawd, that's so terrible! You guys were _such_ a cute couple!"

"Yeah well, we got into an argument over this investment. He didn't want to do it. And then he called me a dumbass for wanting to get involved." Craig looked a bit angry as he recalled their fight.

Cartman's mouth opened in surprise. "I can't believe it! The devil of him! Well, you certainly aren't a dumbass for wanting to make money! I know times are tough in this economy. Lately, it's hard for kids to even afford new video games."

Craig stared at him blankly. "Yeah."

"Soo..I'll be seeing you after school then, right?" Cartman smiled. "And make sure to bring your birthday money."

"Yeah, okay," Craig reluctantly nodded before walking away, staring down at the ground.

Kyle had been nosily watching and listening to their exchange. He gave Cartman a nasty look. "Really, dude? You made Tweek and Craig break up!"

Cartman just shrugged. "Psh, it ain't my fault."

"It _is_ your fault!" Kyle argued. "They broke up because of _your_ scam."

"Kahl, please get that sand out of your vagina. I'm just helping people out." Cartman rolled his eyes. "Not my fault if what I do is just too revolutionary for some people to understand or handle." He coughed into his hand. " _Kahl_."

"Oh please, all you do is convince kids to give you their birthday money to gamble with!" Kyle screamed.

" _Pssh_!" Cartman rolled his eyes again. "Whatevah! Why don't you use all of that jelly and make yourself a PB  & J sandwich?"


	3. Chapter 3

After school, Craig walked to Cartman's house. He stood at the front doorstep of the Cartman residence, holding his birthday money in his pocket. With a deep sigh, he pressed the doorbell.

A minute later, Cartman showed up, wearing a blazer and sunglasses. He had a party blower hanging out of his mouth, and took it out to greet Craig. "Oh, hey Craig! Come on in!" He stepped aside, holding the door open for him.

Craig reluctantly stepped inside, hearing the bass of music emanating from the basement. Cartman lead him towards the basement door, and they walked down the steps, to where there were a bunch of boys jumping and dancing around, acting goofy and crazy.

"Umm..what's going on here?" Craig asked, raising an eyebrow at the strange scene.

"Oh, didn't you hear? We're up 25% today!" Cartman grinned, high fiving some of his bros.

Clyde, in his excitement, smashed an empty can of mountain dew against his forehead and then jumped on top of a folding table, accidentally breaking it in half. "Oh, shit, I'm sorry man!"

Craig looked at him like he was insane, but Cartman seemed less than concerned. "Eh, it's alright. We'll buy a new one, we can afford it!"

"Yeah!" Butters cheered, sniffing a line of pixie stick powder up his nose through a coffee straw. Another boy was swinging around a stripper pole, dressed in a chicken suit. There was one who was mysteriously passed out on the couch, surrounded by empty pudding cups.

"Okay, I'm out," Craig tried to hurriedly leave the crazy scene, but Cartman tapped him on the shoulder before he made it up the stairs.

"Wait, dude! You can't just leave, you just got here! Don't you want to make money?"

"On second thought, I think I'll just put my birthday money in a bank. Nice, safe and boring, just how I like it." Craig explained dully.

"Fine! Whatevah! You're missing out on an amazing opportunity though!" Cartman waved him off, joining Butters to snort pixie stix.

Craig shook his head and left the house.

He walked straight to Tweek's coffee shop. Unsurprisingly, he saw Tweek through the window, pouring coffee beans into a container.

Craig took a deep breath, composed himself, and walked in. He saw Tweek jump nervously at the sound of the door's bell. He was never going to get used to the sound of it, it seemed.

Tweek turned around and looked at him with a scowl. "What are you doing here? Came to brag about how much money you made??"

Craig frowned and looked down at the floor. He didn't like to admit when he changed his mind. Craig liked to think he was rational and always made good decisions. "No.." he began, "I decided not to do it."

Tweek raised an eyebrow. "Why not?"

"Because," Craig sighed, "I learned something today."

Tweek rolled his eyes. "What, are you Kyle now??"

Craig flipped his middle finger up at him. "No, seriously, I really learned something."

Tweek stood there, arms crossed, waiting to hear what it was that he learned. "What?! Agghh! What did you learn?!?!"

"Well, first, I learned that some kids are stupid enough to snort pixie stix powder up their noses."

Tweek looked at him like he was insane. "Why would they do that?!"

"I don't know. It's stupid. So I thought, why would I trust my birthday money with a bunch of candy powder snorting freaks? My money is probably safer in my sock drawer," Craig explained.

Tweek twitched. "I told you and you didn't listen!"

Craig sighed. "I know. I'm sorry."

Tweek looked down at the floor. "I-it's alright. I was being kinda harsh."

"No, I was being dumb. We'll probably never live in a mansion with a pool, and a slide, and a million guinea pigs. But that's okay, because you're my real prize," Craig smiled.

Two customers nearby, who had been eavesdropping on their conversation, melted at the scene. "Oh my god! So cute!"

Tweek twitched, both out of anxiety from being watched, and from an overload of feelings. Too much pressure. He ran to Craig and hugged him, anyway.

Craig hugged him back and then patted him on the head. "Do you want to go play with the guinea pigs?"

"Definitely!" Tweek grinned.

The coffee shop couple ' _awwed_ ' at the sight of their make up. Craig flipped them off as they left to go spend some quality time with their furry children.


End file.
